Freedom Day

I guess I should start out by saying thank you to the two anonymous readers out there who took time out to read and comment. I'll comment with the most recent in which the poster commented that most of my blog has a "victim" mentality. While I don't like to use the word victim in that capacity, I would have to agree in some small regard. To me, victim implies some form of tragedy (big or small) that has affected ones spirit...being. So in that regard, yes, I am a victim. From my perspective though, I am a victim of optimism. So many take friendship and time for granted. Many believe that with science and technology we live forever. I never forget that we all were born and we all will die. It's as simple as that. What we do in the middle of the process is up to a higher power and the decisions we choose to make while here on Earth.

I took the time to choose friends and dare I say actually work on it. Unfortunately, since friendship is a two way street, I have found that those who I allowed into my life appear to have not wanted me in there life. It's not a complaint, just a reality. I don't know about you but I'm a human being with feelings. I actually like spending some modicum of time with people. Real time....not drop me an artificial email every now and then because one is too lazy to find time. We have time until we don't. Did you know that I actually have an anniversary? Five years ago I spent three days in the hospital...alone. Had a pretty major surgery that may have to be repeated sometime in my lifetime. It's on my mind every day that some take for granted that Angela will be alive forever. I won't. Just like they won't. People knew but it fell on a holiday so there was no time for anyone to even pick up the phone and call to see how I was doing. Yes. My cell phone was on. It reminds me of my birthday just about every year. Almost everyone is too busy celebrating Christmas to acknowledge the day I came into this world. Is it lonely...absolutely. But the funny thing is, I've learned to deal with it and keep it moving. I don't need therapy. I need friends who can actually find time to work on friendship. I make the time, so I expect them to at least try. Very few actually do. So I disagree with you about new friends. For me, new friends will help if old ones don't wish to be in my life and me in theirs...if they are willing to do the work that is involved with any relationship. If not, then I keep on being. Don't get me wrong, I think therapy is a wonderful thing. I'm all for it for certain things. For me and my circumstance, this isn't a therapy moment. A therapy moment for me is dealing with another round of painful tests alone and not being sure if I am making the right decisions. Not having a feeling that I can trust anyone to actually listen....to care and make me feel like I am loved....warts and all. I can't get that warm and caring feeling from an email or ten minute phone call from someone who squeezed me in between their walk to the car on their way to hanging out with the boy or headed to the airport.

Which actually brings me to the first comment posted. I have done alot of soul searching. Yes, I did create this reality by allowing others to think it's ok to not spend any time with me. I always let them use the "busy" excuse and that I understand. While I do..I also believe that if something is important one will make the time. I have even when some things really were a sacrifice in time and money. Nothing is ever 50/50 however it starts to get very frustrating when one is always on the "short end of the stick". The reality that I am creating now is that I am always put to a high standard...I now require that the same standard that is applied to me I apply to others. So while I continue to evolve, others need to evolve also. While there are always areas of improvement for each of us, I do feel in my heart that I walk the walk and talk the talk. I am me and I feel beautiful being me. Do I get down, absolutely. But I also generate goodness for myself and share it with others. When I cry I feel better afterwards; when I am angry, I write; when I'm happy, I write; when I dance in the middle of my kitchenette/bedroom/living room I feel great, when I laugh that I did something totally silly, I feel wonderful. My blog is me. I'm real. So thank you for more deep thought. Believe me when I say I have thought about it many times. The right people will eventually make their way into my life. If they don't, then at least I know I was here.

I went with my mother yesterday to a new doctor visit. On one hand I'm a bit scared of what will come back. Nobody wants to hear the word recurrence. On the other hand I'm glad I was able to find a better doctor that where she was going as it give her a good chance of remaining well as well as gives me optimism that should I have to face the same circumstances I can indeed deal with it. Let's hope for the best. Won't know anything until next week or the week after.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago that I was about seven months pregnant. I was having a conversation with my husband and he was asking me what I think the sex of the baby was going to be. My response was it's a girl. That's the second time I've had a dream like that. It's always interesting to me because for right now since as I have always said I'm dating challenged. And that reality is my once source of pessimism. I've been alone for a very long time. Pair that with family and friends who don't spend any significant time and that could be a recipe for disaster. Instead, I chose to speak up and say how I feel as well as continue to follow what interests me. I continue to roll with the punches and learn each step of the way. Will some of my dreams come true..only time will tell. While I don't have any shoulder to cry on I know that when I cry and am down it's a good thing because it makes me stronger and removes a bit more sadness so that more goodness can come in. I better get going...treating myself to a movie. It will be another quiet weekend but it's a good one to write. Have a great Freedom Day. More next week.

Unwritten

I woke up this morning knowing I gave it all I got with my friendships. I'm now down to two. It's been a very deep, thought provoking couple of months for me. In fact, I would have to say that pretty much nobody really knows what's on my mind except for me. I've been so scheduled by many that I have found that I'm angry alot when I think about it. While I do understand that many have tons of things going on in their lives, it really bothers me that with the exception of one or two, I have to be put on a calendar weeks, if not months out for events like meeting up for coffee or catching a move. I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. Since when did life get so complicated that we can't even spend time together spontaneously anymore? I know many would say the usual, "kids, wife, life, work, etc." however it's really just an excuse. The only caveat is distance and health. Obviously if one lives in another state or physically can't be in the same time and space that's different in my opinion. Then people get mean with me when I express how I actually feel. Instead of listening they tell me to go and find other stuff to do. Never has there been an option of an invitation to meet up the next day or a long conversation on the phone. No, it's always go spend more time by yourself Angela. I love spending time with myself. I just didn't know that I'm supposed to spend an entire lifetime on this planet not really interacting with anyone but rather just doing surface smalltalk. Who knew?

A couple of months ago I was told that if I needed help all I had to do is ask. I did ask. So many didn't listen. Didn't help. They didn't even realize that helping would not have cost them anything except a little bit of time...time to actually make me feel like they actually cared. That's free. It really does make me sad sometimes knowing that I'm limited to expressing feelings on a computer blog. A blog can't give me a hug when I really need one or reassuring words when a particular day is harder than the day before. Oh well. I better stop at that before I start complaining.

I don't want to waste time complaining. I don't wish to be angry anymore. I will no longer make anyone a priority when they only consider me an option. We are only here for a short time and then we are gone to the next place we are supposed to be. I feel that for each of us the journey is the most interesting part of the trip. Sometimes I feel like I've been here before and that I already know what is going to happen...but I don't know. Just a feeling. I told my parents that if they are alive and I die that they are not to even notify anyone I know until after I have been cremated, ashes scattered. They have been instructed to not even hold a funeral. They think I'm crazy. I'm not. I made the comment once that if many can't find any time to spend with someone in life, why be there in death? Don't waste the time. I still hold to that philosophy. I'm not saying all of this to frighten but rather just being realistic and responsible. Most take for granted that someone will really know what a close loved one would want out of life until their end. I do not have that so for right now I have to document such wishes on paper and legalize it. There currently isn't anyone to speak for me that knows. I think it's some type of miracle that I've survived so far. It's so easy to let days slip by without interacting with people. Never would I have thought that my existence would not mean anything really. When I die it will be as if I was never here. While I don't know when my time will be up, at present many would not know if I were gone. I gotta get over that. Guess that is currently what is meant to be. And so it goes.

I'm rambling again. I better get going. Go out and get some sunshine while it lasts. Maybe I'll treat myself to a movie. Not sure what's playing but I'm sure I can find something. Can't believe next week is Independence Day. I think I'll spend the weekend writing.

Michael Jackson

I'm stunned. I think over the last four hours I have gone from stunned to sad to stunned some more. Surreal. I cannot believe that Michael Jackson has passed away. I literally started crying when Jermaine made the brief press conference a few moments ago. My heart is heavy. While alot made fun of Michael Jackson, I viewed him as highly creative, interesting, and resilient. It always does feel like those who are the most expressive and true to themselves leave this Earth way too soon. He phrased it very well...Gone Too Soon.

More Celebrity Dreams

Don't have time to go into detail this morning (as usual). But here are the tidbits and I'll have to revisit the post later. Latest dream involved Heidi Klum and I riding bicycles in like ten feet of snow. Made no sense. Regular bikes not mountain bikes. Also remember walking to get a tennis ball from across the street and finding frozen kittens in a box and feeling so sad for the little kittens. Totally weird dream. OK. gotta go. Will revisit later. When the heck is all this rain going away? It's June!

Busy Bee

Goodness...the last two weeks felt extra busy for me even though there wasn't too much "extra" in those days. This week in particular I only worked out twice because of weather and increased pain in my foot, literally. Have to get past the injury since I only have about 70 days left to reach goal. Start PT in the week after next so that should help. I'm a bit worried about that since it's going to cost me $60 a week for six weeks. You do the math. That's almost $400 bucks that could go towards the fundraising component of the race since I'll be responsible for anything less than the fundraising minimum of $1,100. I am so happy to have those who took the time to donate. With that I must say that I am also a bit disappointed that others couldn't even spare $20 bucks. I know I don't know other people's circumstances but I guess from one of my perspectives, I'm underemployed with very little income coming in and I was still able to contribute that amount. I just don't know. Makes me wonder but then again, I don't want to make time to think about it.

While trying to accomplish this goal will cost me almost one thousand dollars (PT plus the $600 not raised) it's worth it. I'm where I'm supposed to be. My mother's cancer is back. We won't know more about course of treatment until one more test comes back. Makes me think about what will happen if I ever get diagnosed. I hope that never happens but in all likelihood it just might since it seems my body is now working against me for not having given birth to children. The type of cancers I'm prone to have a higher incidence in women who have never been pregnant. I sometimes feel mad about that since it feels like a punishment for being so unacceptable to a mate. But then again I shouldn't think that way but every now and then I do....can't help it. I'm human with feelings. Anyway, I should bring it back to the positive. My mother has great medical insurance so that helps. Let's hope for the best. OK. I better go. Haven't been food shopping in several weeks. Today will be a backbreaker day since I'll be restocking. Nothing like going to Costco and then hauling everything up three flights of stairs. At least I can afford food. Very good thing. For some crazy reason I still think I will be in Paris this Christmas. Not sure how I will make that happen but it's been in my brain for the past three months. I know many go during the spring but I don't have a problem with going in the off season. It's still an adventure. OK....really better go. So much more to share but no time. Later.

Happy June!

I'm on the way out the door as usual but just a quick blurb. It's June...half the year down...another six months of adventure to go. LOL. Was totally exhausted and busy the past few days between workouts and going out. Applied for a few positions that I think would be a good fit. More stuff is opening up now which is good. I suspect its because alot of nonprofits see that when you slice and dice there is only so much the staff in place can do. Oh...before I forget, the actor that I was in the elevator with the other day is in the John Travolta, Denzel Washington movie coming out this month...Pelham 123. I think his last name is Tutturo. Still haven't looked him up but he was nice. Seemed like a down to earth type of guy.

Anyway better get going. Looks like rain outside. Have my doctors appt and then hair appt. I think I'm going to cut my hair again. Still haven't decided. Have a couple of hours to figure it out. Oh...and at work, it's like I'm a rock star or something. Crazy...I've been trying to fly under the radar but turns out they all seem to like me there. I'll still try to hang back, work, and not get tied up in office politics. Tell you more about this latest freelance experience. Out of all of the freelance positions I enjoy this one the most. Learning so much good! OK better go. Later.

Kung Foo Anyone

Really fast post since I'm on my way out the door but I didn't want to forget...here's the latest dream. I think this is the most amount of dreams I've had in a good spell. In this one I was walking home from the market and stumbled onto an active movie set where some type of action sequence was being filmed. I got caught in the middle of taping and they kept going for a while even though it was obvious I didn't match the scene. When the director yelled cut, he came over to me and actually invited me to sit in and watch for the day. He was also flirting with me (of course the director in my dreams is a hot black guy...lol.) OK. no time to finish. will pick up with this later.

Have another "coffee date". Maybe its bad that I'm so cynical of these types of meets and greets. Let me put on my optimist lens...I get a free cup of iced coffee....maybe...ha ha. This guy's name is Chris. Let's see how this goes. Will dish on this tomorrow.